In Praise of Small Victories

On this first Monday of a new month, I forgive myself for failing to address many of my intentions.  I started this blog one month ago with the goal of writing a few times per week at some point and this is only my second post.  "So what?" I say to the critic on my shoulder.  "This doesn't mean I didn't write or that I'm less committed."  In fact, I made many journal entries but I saved them in my Daily Blog folder, because I felt they needed more polish.  I started writing a chapter which I have yet to finish.  There's a growing pile of non-critical papers which I hesitate to trash on my kitchen desk.  The kids' things have once again creeped into the crevices of each room in the house.  The now thawed garden is in need of Spring clean up; I started raking and deadheading but left piles of leaves and dried straw that need to be whisked to the far end of the backyard.  The community volunteer work is in full swing but there is still so much to be done.  Like a drum roll, a number of incomplete tasks await my final blast of energy so I can check them off my to do list.

I didn't follow through for the usual reasons; mainly, adult onset ADHD.  I have a tendency to overcommit, which challenges me to constantly re-prioritize.  I realize now after years of struggle that constant juggling leads to firefighting, which I am capable of, but this is not my essence.  My gift to others is my ability to maintain control, to share my energy, and how can I do that if I am constantly depleted?

No, I didn't follow through for the usual reasons; it was because my very ill husband and family desperately needed my focused energy these past two weeks.  Therefore, I put many, less crucial activities on hold.

When my husband landed in the hospital for 8 days, a huge storm of conflict flabbergasted my family.  We needed to situate ourselves in the eye of that storm with him, surround him with our protective tranquility and just let everything else naturally spin around us.  I was okay with this.  In the past I worried about every little thing.  But today it is very clear to me where my attention needs to be.

During those 8 days, I made it my daily goal to keep my chin up and my spirit strong so that my husband and my kids might draw what light they needed from me to get through the day.  I also reached out to family, friends and our community, to harness positive thoughts and prayers that they might be able to radiate toward us.  And boy did they generously do so.  I felt the warmth and the strength.  I let it fill me.

It took 6 days for him to eek out one smile (a Will Ferrell movie).  I missed his confidence, wit and charm.  All that faded into the gloom of his debilitating chronic GI disease.  The kids missed his anchor of strength in the house.  They craved an hour of his awareness; even for just 30 minutes they wanted to infuse him with their lightness of being.

As he heals in the comfort of our home, the kids and I are relieved to be able to help him rebuild his fortress of hope.  We continue to surround him with our love and attention.  We ease back into our familial rhythms.  

This morning my husband gave me a hug.  I was the receiver!  I revel in this small victory :)