Make Mom Happy

What is the best way to celebrate a truly Happy Mother's Day? The trick is knowing Mom well enough to see what is the most meaningful way to say thank you to HER.

A butterfly visiting my petunias one Mother's Day.

      I'm a Mom who has a Mom and Mom-in-law. Whenever Mother's Day approaches, I experience stress, not relaxation. Why? Because every year I worry about whether both Moms will be disappointed once again, because they will not receive the visit they wish they were having from my family. No matter what my family has planned for me on Mother's Day, I find myself feeling guilty that I didn't plan something that included our Moms.

     "They're grandmothers. You're the mother now," my husband says sympathetically.

     "But they don't stop being mothers to us," I hear myself say.

     Both Moms appreciate being recognized on or around Mother's Day, which has been impossible for us to do in person for many years now, since we moved 2.5 hours away. It was easier before we had children, when we lived less than a half hour away from both of them. We popped in for brunch with one and did an early dinner with the other one later in the day. Both Moms were happy to get a visit from daughter/son-in-law and daughter-in-law/son. But ever since I became a Mom, I realized that I want to be available for my kids to celebrate within our own little family unit. I secretly hope I can be completely useless to them during the entire day, free of chores and anxiety of any kind.

An azalea flower in my garden.

      One year, I just wanted the entire day to plant petunias, impatiens and marigolds in containers on my deck. I remember enjoying a visit from a slinky red fox who wandered into my backyard that afternoon. Another year, we enjoyed a walk and picnic as a family at the Connecticut College Arboretum. We picked up sandwiches and drinks from Subway and brought along our cameras. I still admire the photographs we took of the various trees, flowering bushes and water lilies on the pond that day. My favorite photos are the off-center pictures the children took of me with the blue sky in the background, shot from their vantage point below. Another time we decided to see the new flick Iron Man followed by a sushi dinner, my favorite. It didn't matter what we did. All I cared about was that I was with my family and that I didn't have to cook, clean, drive or nag anyone to do anything.

      So where does that leave Moms of adult children? Someday that will be me, when my children have become responsible for themselves and their husbands and their own children. Hey, wait a minute. That's the key. They will be responsible for themselves, their husbands and their own children! That means as a grandparent someday I will not have the same need to receive a physical break from incessant family rearing, shuttling and household chores. I would still want the acknowledgement though. I would want to know that they care about me and recognize all of my efforts through the years, to help them become the best that they could be. I would want to know that they still needed me in their life in some way, whether it be for advice or just someone willing to listen.

My lilac bush in full bloom.

      So make your Mom happy on Mother's Day. Show her that you thought of her and appreciate having her in your life even if you live far away. You don't need to pack the kids' suitcases and drive 200 miles just to have brunch with her for the day. Maybe it is a beautiful arrangement of flowers because she never buys fresh flowers. Maybe it's a video chat so she can see how big the children have grown. Maybe it's a comfortable new fleece throw emblazoned with her favorite family photo. Maybe it's a membership to fruit of the month club because she's trying to cut back on chocolate and sweets. Maybe it's a book of Cross Sound ferry tickets so she'll be encouraged to visit you and her grandchildren often. Maybe it's a home-made card signed by every member of the family, even the dog.

      If you live close enough to set aside a part of the day for a personal visit, you will surely surpass all of her expectations. Take her to brunch, lunch or dinner. Take her to the movies, to a show or to a ballgame. Take her to the salon, to the park or to the museum. Have her over for a slice of pie and a cup of tea and pick her brain about her past. She would love to tell you stories. If you are inclined to include her in your family's plans, by all means invite her to tag along!

      In my town, the local Patch.com site is accepting favorite photo submissions of "Mom and Me." The simplest and most legendary gesture we can make to our Moms is to tell the world why we think she is the best Mom!  To all my readers who are Moms...may you have a truly Happy Mother's Day!

The Second Straw (House)

One hour and forty minutes east of the first pioneer in the state of Connecticut, a second straw house is now in construction, making history in Eastern Connecticut.

     Two weeks ago, I received an e-mail from a friend, an invitation to attend a straw bale raising at the site of her young family's future home in Lisbon, CT. It was going to take place over the weekend. Children were welcome. We could drop by any time of day; we could stay for as short or as long as we desired. We could raise one or two bales or simply come to check it out. There would be a tent with food. Whatever the activity was, the upbeat invitation sounded like a fun time with families. More importantly, it offered me and my family a chance to experience something unique.

     Originally from New York City and a resident of Waterford for the past ten years, I was naturally curious and welcomed new experiences. My mind was filled with many questions. I wondered if straw bale raising had something to do with those giant marshmallow-like white masses that periodically appeared on the field near the north-bound Interstate 95 ramp in Waterford. Was it a gathering of people who will do heavy work together to make it lighter work and socialize at the same time? I did not want to appear clueless by asking, so before responding to the invitation, I did a quick Google search on straw bale raising. My search led me to words like "environmental building," "people stacking bales like building blocks" and "new material for modern construction."

     This past weekend, my family experienced the joy of community and the courage of green living at our first straw bale raising party. We brought along another family we knew who were also into nature and the outdoors. More people meant more efficiency and multiplied cheer. We were blessed with perfect weather, bright skies and radiating warmth, so it was easy to convince the kids and our friends to spend time outdoors learning about something new together.

     The first thing that struck me when we arrived at the site on Saturday morning was the many cars parked at the foot of the property. There weren't any pick-up trucks or contractor vans. These were family sedans. The wood frame and roof of a one and a half story home currently under construction was alive with activity. To the left of the structure, there was a long truck filled with two-string bales of straw. One person's job was to toss the bales from deep inside the truck to someone waiting on the ground, whose job it was to stack them neatly for the next person, who was operating a chainsaw to trim the bales until the edges were smooth and firm like brick. Once trimmed, these bales were then raised above the cement foundation and passed to the person waiting in the frame of a doorway to the house who then stacked them neatly in the middle of the structure. Two people, who clearly knew what they were doing, were stacking bales against the wall, between two window openings. They aligned and secured them to the wall. Other people were gathering loose straw and placing them into jumbo trash bags; these would be used to make straw plaster later on.

     "How can we help?" I said, ready to plunge into the activity.

     My husband and the other couple we brought along were also all ears, ready to pitch in. The kids were already exploring the early stage construction, mesmerized by the sight of a house's skeletal joints and ribs. They had never before had the ability to see through a floor or through walls to the outside of a home from inside. They climbed the open steps up to the loft to admire the view of the landscape behind the house and then down into the dark basement space.

     "I'm really beat," said Benjamin Shiling, one of the homeowners and leaders of the project onsite.

     It was Day Two of the straw bale raising. He and his wife Jennifer, their friends and family had been working non-stop since the day before.

     "Now is a good time to take a break. Let me give you a quick tour."

     He showed us where their architect had planned the living room, the dining area, the bathroom, the two bedrooms and loft. The house will be insulated by tightly compacted straw bales and the interior as well as exterior walls would later be constructed from plastered straw walls.

     "We purchased the land over four years ago and attended a straw bale building workshop in Vermont for several days," said Jennifer Shiling.

     I was under the impression that Ben built homes for a living. But his day job was supervising technical support at a community center and she was busy homeschooling her preschoolers and caring for her infant. They hired an architect to design and contractors to build their new home. Their contractors paused work on the house to give Ben and Jenn the opportunity to install their straw bale insulation into the home. They were coached further onsite before the straw bale raising project's start by one of their straw bale workshop mentors.

     "What made you decide to use straw bales for your home?" I inquired.

     "The material is natural so it's non-toxic and it is more energy-efficient for heating and cooling than typical insulation material," she said.

     According to Andrew Morrison, founder of Straw Bale Innovations, LLC and designer and builder of both conventional and straw bale homes, a typical straw bale wall is roughly three times as efficient as conventional framing.

     "Over the life of a typical thirty year mortgage, this superior insulation can reduce energy costs by up to 75%, saving money and vital natural resources," states his company's website at www.strawbale.com.

     His website also states that straw bale homes are fire-resistant because "due to their tight compaction, bales contain very little oxygen and thus resist combustion."

     I was very impressed. Not only because the Shilings had given great thought to the use of safer, more energy-efficient and sustainable material for their home, but because they committed themselves to researching and learning how to lead and implement such a massive, time-consuming undertaking.

     "What can I do to help?" I said, ready to exert effort.

     For the next couple of hours, my family and I became part of the community that had come to help move, trim, stack and secure straw bales. My husband moved straw bales out of the truck to the stacks waiting to be trimmed. My son and I moved the fifty-pound trimmed bales that were sitting in the middle of the house to what would eventually become a bedroom. Jenn felt that this room's straw bale walls needed to be completed before moving on to other areas of the house.

     We took a lunch break and then it was time for my family to move on to our next agenda item that day. If we weren't expecting visitors from out of town that day, I would have liked to stay for the rest of the day to help the Shilings some more. I felt like I was more of a tourist and did not accomplish enough to help them out.

    "When we first brought it up everyone thought we were crazy," said Jenn to me as we said our good-byes. "Now it's really happening. Thanks for coming...for the moral support."

The Shiling's home is the second straw bale home to be constructed in the state of Connecticut, according to http://sbregistry.greenbuilder.com. For more information about straw bale houses, check out www.strawbale.com.